September 17th, 2017

I don’t think I could handle saying it in front of you, so I decided to say it through text so that I don’t have to ever speak these words out loud to you.

What can be worse than loving someone who doesn’t love you back, and hoping somewhere deep down inside them, they do have feelings for you, and yet it is just not true at all. I deny my feelings for you, but later on when I see your face, my mind just automatically changes. No, maybe you are still there somewhere for me.

I don’t trust you at all, or hardly ever. But surprisingly I still find myself giving you a second chance, not a second, probably a hundred and twelve something.

I cry almost every weekend when I can’t see you because the

the library closes on Sunday, but then you choose not to come hangout with me, or you actually are busy...

Whenever I ask you to come spend

time with me, but I just hardly trust

you, because you know. I just know you well.

Later, I told myself that I can’t handle saying even a word to you because I don’t want my heart to crack into another piece. Then, you look at me with those hazel eyes, that you always tell me are blue, but can you argue with an artist like me?

I still care about you because I know deep down inside that soul, you

have feelings for me. But realistically you probably don’t, since you have never learned how to love someone …

….and there is me who has too much love to give.

I try to say I love you, but knowing that you won’t say it back

makes it so much harder to say. It’s a heavy thing to say.

Do I love you? I question myself sometimes. I say I don’t, but my heart and my best friends say I do, but then again, most of my friends think I’m really better off without you. But I put that aside and don’t even try to think about it. Because in my mind, I always feel happy around you. I sometimes dream about us, being off to Italy, walking down to Florence, commenting on those statues that definitely all look the same to me, and then there is you trying to use your Italian accent to ask for the differences. Or to New York, you know by heart that I love New York City. Imagine us rushing down 5th Avenue and trying to scare people off at midnight, and then going to Times Square because you know, Times Square is the most beautiful thing in the evening. No, I still don’t love you. I try to create a new you, or pull out the old you that I used to love being with. I loved how we would sit on the bus on the way to Boston, talk about ourselves, and be

carefree. I loved the time when we would rush in the middle of a crowded car-filled road, and then we would fall on each other and laugh out loud. Or I loved it when I told you to come down at 2 am with me; you even forgot to wear your socks, and we just walked. I sometimes ask you, “Where is that guy?” “Where is the guy from Boston?”

You just giggled.

I didn’t want my last words to you to be sad, like “Hey, I don’t want to be your friend anymore. I’m sorry”. I really didn’t. But crying on a grass field for three hours, listening to Sleeping At Last told me something. Maybe the only way to make me happy and make you happy is to make you hate me. So I decided to say those words to you. You left me on seen. And the moment I always dreamed of, us singing Hey There Delilah in the middle of New York, fell apart. Gone. Just like the wind taking away a dandelion.

Do I love you? Probably? Maybe for a couple weeks, a couple months, a couple years more.

But it is worth it. Maybe seeing you actually fall in love with

someone is going to be okay. Just love that person as much as possible, because I just want you to be happy.

I remember the time when you were sleeping on your hammock in the

middle of nowhere that you took me to. And I asked to sing for you. “Misty” it was. A beautiful song ending with “too much in love”. I miss singing that song to you. Missing someone special that I could sing for.

I hope you find yourself loving whoever you are about to love more than yourself. Sing them some tunes, like I always do out of the blue.

I’m sorry it has to be like this

I love you… but I’ll make sure I never say this again.